Children need to be able to grow in their own strength. They need to be allowed to make their own decisions without parents becoming too possessive. Remember the children are not yours — they come into life and go out of it alone. In the meantime, Nature provides situations in which you are able to share your goodness.

At present, parenting is more demanding because of the nature of modern society. Parents have to be sharp and aware of issues such as drugs which children will be exposed to. While children are young, you can manage. But psychologically and emotionally they are growing up with different impacts to those you experienced and this means they will have different reactions and their own view of life.

Each child has an agenda that they have come with. All you can do is give your love, care, respect and freedom. You must understand that children have their own way of thinking. You can’t impose a standard behaviour. You need to be flexible and open, to be able to make friends with your child and share with them. Parenting comes from the heart.

There is not one parent who hasn’t done something to hurt their child (in the child’s eyes). We are too busy, too distracted to know what they need.The way you live, the way you suffer, is registered by the child. Children are continually observing their parents grow and making mistakes sufficient for them to understand they could do better. So, instead of showing them what to do, the child should be allowed to find out for him or herself.

Often the parent is impatient for the child to get things right. Parents are anxious to show their children how to do things properly; even in play! You must accept there is suffering in learning, so children need the freedom to be wrong. From the age of two to eight children learn this way. After that, you make yourself available, “I’m here if you need me”, and only intervene if there is a major crisis. Remember, it is hard for children to say they need help because they are trying to prove their worth to you.

Many parents feel they are under pressure and so feel additionally burdened with the mistakes of the child and what these may cost in terms of time and money. So they try to prevent them, for their own convenience. Parents therefore can’t give children the extra facility they need. But that’s when the children try you out and make more demands as a way of getting reassurance. Parents need to work out how to make their children feel more secure.

The important thing is love. But it must be a meaningful love, not hugs and kisses. You connect yourself with the child and he or she knows it. When you feel defeated you don’t connect. Because you’re involved in so many other things, you’re not available when they want you. You want to connect when you want to, not when they’re ready. When the child asks something of you it is the most important time in life. The child will look to you for direction only if they know you are there for them, not just in the house. There is a difference between lack of attention and lack of interference.

Vijayadev Yogendra is the founder of the School of Total Education and the Total Health and Education Foundation. Jan Gudkovs is a parent at the School of Total Education and has coordinated the School Parents Program over a number of years.

This article is based on an address by Vijayadev Yogendra to a parents meeting in February 1998. This article is based on notes taken at that meeting by Jan Gudkovs. (Published on web site: September 2001)

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