I believe that the early childhood years are vital because as parents we are establishing patterns of behavior, thinking and habits which will be important to the positive growth and development of our children. It is much easier for children to learn to accept the word “no” at an early age than when they are teenagers and already in the habit of being defiant. To be able to say “No” effectively, there are three things that can help.

The first is a conviction within ourselves that it is in the best interests of the child’s growth to impose some boundaries or limitations. As parents we need to be clear about what we value and what we want to cultivate in our children. If we value little, then little discipline will be required. If we have higher aspirations, if we’d like to see our child having self-discipline, emotional stability, positive values, a concentrated and intuitive mind, self-esteem and so forth, then more discipline will be required.

The second thing is the need to have a relationship of love and respect with the child. I think this can only come about by spending time with the child — doing something that they want to do, just having fun and valuing their company.

The third is having some measure of discipline in ourselves: patience and consistency come to mind as the main ones relevant to raising young children. A child always responds better to a firm, decisive “No” from a parent who is in control of him or herself, and who they know cares for them.

Young children will experiment with all kind of behaviours as they learn about their world. At an early age, the world and everything in it revolves around them. They cannot control themselves and need parents’ direction to show them the boundaries and steer them positively. At that age, due to their ignorance, there are lots of situations when the word “no” could be used:

	Safety situations where children may physically hurt themselves or others;
	Social situations where they are needing to develop a value framework;
	Routines which we are establishing for their health and well-being;
	Limits on their wants for things like TV and toys.

To ensure they don’t feel restricted at every turn, it is better to say “no” to just one or two aspects of behaviour we want to work on, rather than everything. Therefore we need a few other “tricks” to reduce the number of “no” situations, for example:

When “no” is the best option, it’s fine if the child can accept it, but if they don’t we sometimes have to go a step further and bring in the consequences. If the child knows the boundary but still oversteps the mark because they are defiant, need to test us out, or have no self-control, then consequences are necessary.

If threats are made they must be carried out. Never make a threat that you won’t carry out. Here it is important to know your child and know what consequence will make him or her feel deprived and thus have an impact:

	Some children hate to be ignored;
	It may be something they value that needs to be confiscated e.g. a toy or a television programme.

These situations are often repeated more than once and here our patience and consistency come in again. Children will learn the limits much more quickly if they know we mean it and won’t give in.

It is important to give simple explanations to young children but never when they are emotional or upset. Timing is very important. They are always more receptive when they are in a good mood. Explanations need to be short and simple or done through stories.

The art of listening to their unspoken words is also very important. Often children who step over boundaries frequently are trying to tell us something, for example: “The only time you take notice of me is when I do something wrong. I need your attention, so I will do something wrong to get it”. Sometimes just giving them more positive attention eradicates the negative behaviour and the need to say “no”.

Saying “no” to children sounds simple but sometimes, when it comes to the crunch, it is hard to do. Here are a few things that can get in our way:

	Fear of a child’s reaction, of losing their love;
	If we are stressed or tired and it is convenient to let them have their way;
	If we feel guilty because we are not giving them the time they need and we compensate by letting them have their way;
	Because they have a tantrum and embarrass us and make us look like the cruel parent;
	Because they say everybody else does it;
	Because we don’t want to spoil their “fun”.

Some children can try to wear us down, bully us into submission, and here our convictions, our patience and consistency and our relationship with the child can really be tested out. I think it’s important to remind ourselves that if we stand our ground, it will be easier next time.

It’s also important to remember that we can always expand our boundaries but it’s harder to pull a child in if the boundary is not there in the first place. Boundaries will also vary from child to child depending on their personalities and what they need to learn. Some children need to know when mischief is not fun anymore and becomes hurt to another. Others need to be encouraged to be more mischievous.

In conclusion, young children do want boundaries even if they don’t admit it. Boundaries give them a sense of discipline and an inner peace and happiness. They derive security from knowing the limits.

		Bronnie Osborn started as a primary teacher at the School of Total Education in 1979. She was Primary Headmistress of the School in Warwick when it opened in 1981 and has been Chair of the School Governing Council since 1997. Bronnie has a particular interest in the early years of schooling and in seeing the principles of Total Education understood more widely in the community.

This article is based on a talk given to a School of Total Education parents meeting on 16th March 2001. It was originally published in the March 2001 SOTE Newsletter. (Published on web site: October 2001)

Copyright The School of Total Education 2001. This page last generated Thu, 7 Mar 2002. Web site by The Design Group.