SOTE Article: Barriers to Communication

Index of Articles

BY CLIVE DUFFY

One of the essentials for good communication is listening. If a person raises a problem, it is important that they be allowed to get it all out. To step in with advice pre-empts a process whereby a person, through the act of expressing their concern, is able to arrive at a deeper insight into it. In articulating a problem, a person is telling you what’s inside them, where they’re coming from. It is very important to listen in this open way to, for example, an adolescent, and to encourage them to explain their point of view to you. A parent may even say something like “I’m just an oldie — things were different in my day. I don’t understand — could you explain that again for me?” This gives the young person a chance to rephrase the issue and give it a different slant.

Giving advice or offering solutions prematurely closes communication down because people feel they haven’t been heard. When your children feel they’ve tried everything perhaps you could say, “Tell me what you have tried, and we’ll all see if we can come up with some ideas.” To simply give solutions can imply that people aren’t trying or have no useful insights or initiatives of their own. It is useful to remember that there is usually not just one solution to a problem and by exploring it, people may come up with a range of options from which they can choose.

It is important to monitor the effect of what you’re saying on the other person. If they feel criticised they will close up. There are many subconscious influences at work in both the person speaking and the one listening, so what a person receives may not necessarily be what you intend. The subconscious is a very powerful influence— it can create interference so that a person doesn’t really hear what is said, and creates distracting thoughts that divert attention away from threatening issues. If a person starts looking alert but gradually sinks, their gaze wanders or becomes glazed, stop at that point and take a different approach.

People are at different points on a continuum from closed to open in their willingness or ability to communicate at any particular point, and all positions are valid. If you observe that a person is closed, don’t push an issue. If they are open to you, you can be more direct, but not too much so or you can hurt them. If a person is sensitive to being hurt, they will be anxious and may not be able to contain that feeling so they will create a distraction because they feel vulnerable. This is a self-defensive mechanism coming from the subconscious. This is especially likely to happen if there is any sense of conflict or power struggle.

If an adolescent raises something the parent finds threatening, it is important to recognise that they have shared information. You can say something like “I hear that’s an important issue to you. I don’t know much about it, but I’ll find out and we’ll talk about it again.” Don’t let a decision be taken then, give yourself some space and leave the door open to negotiate further. Don’t let it get pushed through without reflection.

Timing is also a vital aspect of good communication. With young people in particular it is important that they know you have considered and accepted their point of view. Young people feel there is no point in coming up with issues if you shut them down with your own ideas. You can misinterpret the other’s position by not allowing them to express it fully, or denying them the time to consider and explore. Sometimes the way a parent handles this may apparently solve the problem in question but destroy the relationship. Parents can ask themselves “How can we have a discussion on this so that we maintain our relationship even if we disagree?”. Parents need to take a long-term view and realise that the relationship itself is crucial and needs to be built on qualities of respect and openness.



		Clive Duffy is a family counsellor based in Rainworth, Brisbane. He visits the School of Total Education twice a term to see parents, teachers and students, and contributes regularly to the Parents Program.

This article is based on notes taken by Jan Gudkovs at a parents meeting on the topic “Overcoming Obstacles to Communication”, and was originally published in the July 1998 edition of the SOTE Newsletter. (Published on web site: September 2001)